Just curious to know if before you were married if you and hubby struggled with chastity (any type). Sometimes I hear it’s normal to struggle with chastity in a young relationship and sometimes I hear the opposite, so I wanted to hear you personal experience if you were open to sharing

patron-saint-of-smart-asses:

Every person is different and has their own struggle with certain vices. We did struggle with chastity – me because I was hypersexual from a previous sexual assault that was never addressed, my husband because he had different beliefs about how chastity worked, so he didn’t feel like we were unchaste at the time (we have both since changed our views). This started about a year or more before I converted, so I also didn’t have much in the way of theology to show me the hows and whys of abstinence before marriage.

It didn’t help that my parents kept offering to buy me birth control “in support” of me dating, but neither really had anything to offer in terms of how to set boundaries down for sexual conduct. In fact, I *never* learned how to say no to sex until I began using NFP after the birth of my first child; it was only that periodic abstinence that opened my eyes to the reality that society, religious or not, is ill-equipped to to show young people what saying no to sex can be like.

If young people struggle with chastity, really listen to why. It’s more than just “I’m super horny” (though that is a part of it) and more like, “I’ve never really been taught how to have a healthy relationship that doesn’t involve sex.” Even conservative religious circles fail to properly teach how to avoid sex in a way that is not negative.

Again, every person and couple is different; my experience is my own. Some struggle with chastity, others do not. I envy the ones who didn’t struggle with it, but I am sure that they had other vices that they had to overcome that were also hard.

If you are trying to figure out something in your own relationship, then do try and focus on your own. Obviously it helps to connect with other people and get support, but comparing/contrasting your struggles with the struggles of others won’t help you in growing in virtue. 

I have an inactive side blog, @holy-sexuality, that has a huge tag on chastity and dating if you ever want to search for encouragement or tips. Or, you are free to come to my inbox here. I really wish I knew then what I know now.