Loki: When you turn 18, people are gonna try and tell you to buy drugs or guns because you can. No. You know what else is legal to buy at 18? Blades. Get yourself a damn sword. A big knife is preferred.
Peter Parker: Okay, Mr. Loki.
Thor: Loki no
Peter, in 10 years: while you were busy getting high and shooting things, I studied the blade
personally I like to think steve’s birthday isn’t actually July 4th but someone asked him when his birthday was when he was doing his little show tour thingy and he just said it as an accident and/or a panic response in a bid to seem even more patriotic and everyone believed him and now it’s like 100 years later and he’s too deep in the lie to back out now bc he knows all the avenger’s would fucking publicly roast him if he admitted july 4th wasn’t actually his birthday- like he would literally never live that down- so he lives his life in fear that some bitch ass historian is gonna find his birth certificate and expose him
avengers: happy birthday, steve!
bucky, eyes narrowing: what the fuck your birthday isn’t until-
steve, holding back tears: shut up
Bucky tries to hand him a birthday card one cold December day, and Steve tackles him out a window before anyone else can see what he’s holding
Bruce: What was that crashing noise?
Tony, fiddling with something: Barnes just got tackled by Cap, because today is his actual birthday.
Bruce: How do you know?
Tony: My dad remembered it more than mine
Bruce: but you and Barnes threw him a huge party on the 4th of July this year.
Tony: Yeah, seeing him squirm about lying to the public is the best part of our country’s birthday.
I adore tony being one of peter’s emergency contacts at school but what I love even better is the school staffs reaction to may putting him as one
I mean they would just be like “i’m sorry you wanna put who as what now?!?!”
Tony’s sitting in his lab working on fixing DUM-E’s claw, because somehow, the bot managed to break off one of it’s digits while Tony wasn’t looking. He didn’t even asked FRIDAY how it happened, just told her that if DUM-E tried to do whatever it was again, to let him know.
There’s a sudden vibrating next to him, and he spares a glance to see that it’s his phone with a new text message. He sets down his current tool and checks his phone to see if it’s Peter or Pepper, because if not then it can wait.
It’s not either of them.
But this person certainly can NOT wait.
He quickly opens the text.
Aunt Hottie: Hey, can you do me a favor?
Me: Of course, is everything okay?
Aunt Hottie: Yes, everything’s fine.
Aunt Hottie: Do you remember how we agreed to have you down as Peter’s second emergency contact at the school?
Me: Yes
Aunt Hottie: Well, there’s a problem.
Me: Whose ass do I need to kick
Aunt Hottie: Tony.
Me: Sorry, what’s the problem
Aunt Hottie: The school doesn’t believe that Peter actually knows you, they even gave Peter detention because they thought he was trying to “take his internship lie too far”. I didn’t even know that nobody believed him.
Aunt Hottie: And when I went down there to try and straighten it out, they didn’t believe me either, and told me to stop encouraging Peter.
Tony felt white hot anger flash through his veins. Not only were these people punishing Peter for telling the truth, but they were straight up insulting the kid’s aunt.
Oh hell no.
Me:So what you’re saying is everything is not okay and that I do need to kick some ass
Aunt Hottie: I’m asking you to please go to the school tomorrow and correct the problem. It’s the beginning of the school year and Peter is already in trouble. I would go with you but I have to be at work at 6 am.
Me: No problem, I’ll see to it that everything gets sorted out.
Aunt Hottie: Thank you, Tony.
Me: No problemo
—-
The next day Tony walked into the office of Midtown Tech as 11:30 am sharp. He didn’t call ahead for a meeting. He wanted to catch everyone off guard. Off their game.
And that’s exactly what he did.
Walking in the office, he spots a woman behind a desk slash counter looking thing. She’s probably in her late 30′s to early 40′s and gives off a very soccer mom-ish vibe.
“Excuse me Ms-” Tony looks down to the name tag on her desk, “Rhodes? Hi.” He flashes his fake paparazzi smile at the woman, and when she looks up at him its like her brain short circuits, because she’s silent for a good 7 seconds.
Tony counted.
“Um, h-hi, sir, uh, M-Mr. Stark.” She stands, brushing out her skirt then trying (and failing) to discreetly fix her hair, “H-How may I help you?”
“I would like to speak to the principle. I don’t have an appointment. I hope that’s not a problem.”
“Oh! I’m sure it won’t be a problem at all! Just a moment!” And the woman who Tony has already forgotten the name of scurries to the back of the office and disappears into a hallway.
While he waits, Tony stands there looking around at the bland looking office and shudders.
He would drop dead before having to repeat school.
Then a voice from behind him pulls him out of his thoughts, “Mr. Stark?”
Tony whips around to see Peter standing in the doorway, “Hey kiddo, shouldn’t you be in class?”
“Shouldn’t you be at the compound?”
He waves a hand dismissively, “I should be a lot of places. But you,” He points a finger at the teenager, “Should be in class.”
“Actually I was headed to lunch, but Ned saw you through the office windows while we were walking.” At the mention of his best friend, Peter jerked his head to the side, and Tony then notices the kid’s friend outside the office looking like he was going to explode with excitement.
“Right. Well. I’m just here to sort something out, don’t worry about it ki-”
“Mr. Stark?”
Tony then turns to see what must be the school’s principle, “Yes, hello. Principle Morita is it?”
Tony walks forwards and extends a hand to shake the other man’s when he notices Morita looking behind him. But before he can ask, Morita speaks up, “Was this student bothering you? I apologize. He should be at lunch right now and,” Morita pointedly looks at Peter, making him curl in on himself, “not looking for more trouble.”
Tony has to steel himself to hold back the remark he has for this man.
Instead he just says, “Actually, Peter is the reason I’m here.”
At this, Morita stumbles on his words, and finally utters a, “What?”
“Peter, come here please.” Tony reaches out an arm and Peter did as he was told, and when he got into Tony’s reach, Tony pulled him close with his arm around Peter’s shoulders, “Peter’s aunt notified me yesterday that there is a slight problem with you believing that a) he is my intern and b) I am his second emergency contact. She also told me that such problems led to disciplinary action, which I have to say, I’m not exactly happy about. Considering the shortcomings here are on your side.”
Morita sputtered a moment before, “Oh o-of course Mr. Stark. I apologize for the inconvenience, and for you having to make a trip down here just for this.”
“I don’t mind having to make trips for my kid.” Tony narrowed his eyes at the man in front of him.
He looks between Tony and Peter, “Of course. Well I will see to it that the detentions are resolved and will not go on his personal record, and I will make sure you are entered as his contact.”
Tony nodded, “Great, I’m glad that’s settled.” He turned to Peter, “Alright, drama’s over. Go back to lunch with Ted.”
Peter rolled his eyes, “It’s Ned, dad.”
Tony ruffled Peter’s hair and gave him a gentle push towards the door, “Whatever, I’ll see you this weekend. Nat found a new recipe she wants to try with you.”
“Okay, see ya!”
“Bye, squirt.”
The two parted ways and left through their own doors, leaving a confused and dumbfounded Principle Morita standing in the middle of the office.
What the shit just happened?
——
Aunt Hottie: Thank you
Me: It’s no problem, really. Happy to do it
Aunt Hottie: Could have made a little less of a scene
Me: You know that’s not my style
Aunt Hottie: Right, but how are you gonna get out of this one
Aunt Hottie: attachment:
New York Post
HEADLINE- Tony Stark has a son?
Tony: I’m not. He’s my son now and there is no getting out of this.
tony: i’m not he’s
my son now and there is no
getting out of this
^Haiku^bot^9. I detect haikus with 5-7-5 format. Sometimes I make mistakes.
ok but imagine peter not caring about his secret identity anymore and not making any effort to conceal it yet absolutely no one finds out he’s spiderman. peter wears the suit under his pants and a jacket but literally no one notices. he only gets a ‘cool shirt dude’ from a student he doesnt know. he does the iconic spiderman shooting-webs-from-his-hands pose in every single picture. no one says a word. he enters the classroom through the window. just as him, not spiderman. the classroom is on the second floor. no one cares.
my headcanon for nick fury not calling captain marvel in right away is that they had a bet back in the 90s on how long nick will survive without her help. they bet on 30 years, and nick almost caved when battle of new york happened but that suicidal motherfucker yeeted the nuke into spaceso it was all good, no need for carol yet when he has the avengers, but then the avengers broke apart and nick silently prayed that theyd reunite to kick thanos’ ass but they failed and that is why he said “motherfucker” in disappointment at the end of infinity war, cause only 2 damn years left and he’d win the fuckin bet of the century but the Avengers had to go and Be The Worst At Everything and make him lose the stupid bet God dammit
Peter Parker, a Gen Z kid, screws up: Fuck, guess I’ll kill myself.
Steve Rogers, an artist during the 30’s and a soldier during WWII who knows full well what Dadaism and fatalistic humor are: There’s bleach under the sink–
Bucky Barnes, the guy who listened to Steve’s art rants in the 30’s, watched his back in WWII and went through 70+ years of shit: –And a rope in the supply closet if you want options.
Rest of the Avengers: ?????!!!!!!!?????
Shuri, also a gen z kid: don’t be a coward, jump out the window. Have some style would you
Thor, turning to Tony: He says this stupid damn city needs more flowers and pollen-bearing plants because you’re making him have to work a 16-hour shift every day just to feed his wife and kids
Tony: What the fuck Thor we’ve talked about this
Dog: *Bark bark bark*
Thor, sternly: No, Captain America’s pants are not fit for consumption
Steve, with no idea that Thor can speak dog: ???!?!????!!!??
Fly: *hums*
Thor, leaping from his chair: Oh what the FUCK did you say about my hair?? Oh you want to fuckign go do you?? Is that what you fucking want??? Well Step the FUCK UP then you stupid ass buzzy BITCH *summons lightning*
DUM-E: *Beep boops*
Thor, patting Tony on the back: well done my friend
Tony: For what?
Thor: Your robot is telling me all about how well his dad oiled up his joints this morning and keeps saying ‘I love him’ on repeat. He has been doing this for an hour.
Tony, immediately tearing up: oh my fucking god Thor
Instead of paying attention to those posts about how Tony and his tech being blown off by Rocket or Shuri or Thor or whoever, I’m more inclined to think they’d be snarky with each other and casually mention to each other how they can fix or improve things. It’s all good humor and no one is intentionally hurt.
Plot twist, their specialties are all in different areas so they team up to make really badass stuff that combines all of their skills
The only plot twist I give a damn about.
I have zero time for smart people scoffing or being dicks about other smart people.
If we’re not gonna have Science Bros levels of mutual admiration and cooperation, I don’t want to see it at all.
Tony: Let’s play completing sentences! I’ll go first. Let’s see, an Iron Man armor…
Bruce: Integrated into your biology by a DNA-based computing system…
Shuri: *grinning wildly* Made completely of Vibranium nanotechnology…
Rocket: Armed with fifty planetbuster-grade geobomb grenades!
Concept: Shuri and Peter being internet friends for years because they both dweeb out together about some kind of research…
but Peter kinda thought she was kidding about being a princess of a country that was secretly super badass on top of being a science nerd (she doesn’t discourage this because its not something she’s actually supposed to tell outsiders)
…and she thinks he’s kidding about being Spiderman (he doesn’t discourage this either)
then they meet IRL at some point and both of them have this moment of “wait WHAT”
(bonus points if Tony and t’challa hear about this and just start wheezing in the background)
Wide Spread Interests 