Way too many parents need to learn the difference between “a child being disrespectful” and “a human person expressing an opinion that differs from theirs”
my mom had a nice technique for this. when i’d give her sass, she’d say, “i don’t speak rude, what’s that in polite-person-ese?”
basically, she’d encourage me to rephrase my opinion without the attitude. so “UGH, you NEVER let me do ANYTHING!” would (often after quite a bit of bitching and grumbling) turn into “it feels like every time i have a fun idea, you say no, and i just end up sitting around the house.”
and at that point we could troubleshoot like civilized people. she could explain that she didn’t want me to go to jimmy’s sleepover because jimmy’s dad creeps her out, and i could suggest maybe i could have andy over instead, and she could say sure, why not call peter and stacy and brianna and have your own party, i’ll pop some popcorn and rent a movie, and i could add what if we put up tents in the back yard and have a bonfire and roast marshmallows, and she could laugh and say don’t push it.
I really like this technique because it addresses the OPs comment but recognizes that the two can coexist. The problem is often the child is expressing their opinion in a rude or disrespectful way. And as humans we automatically become adverse to opinions we feel are aggressive toward us.
Me: *wispering in my husbands ear* hey-remember when we were kids and our parents would turn up their music in the living room and then start dancing together and it was absolutely horrifying and you just felt like you were having a cracker topped with secondhand embarrassment shoved down your throat hole? *exhales an evil laugh*
Husband: that was weird but YES. I HATED THAT SO MUCH.
Me: *looks at kids sitting on the couch* let’s do it.
Husband: *turns up music, grabs me and starts dancing*
No. You remove your child from the scene (because children are often reacting to overstimulation such as the grocery store is too loud, the room is too bright, there’s people they don’t know around, they’ve been there too long etc) and go somewhere quiet. You then sit with them as they cry, reassuring them that you are present, and once they have stopped crying you offer comfort and ask if they know what it is that they were so upset about. Then you calmly talk to them so they – and you – can understand and fix the problem that was the root of the tantrum.
Bad example;
‘Why are you crying?’
‘I’m hungry’
‘Well we’re going home soon!’
Good example;
‘Do you know why you were crying?’
‘I’m hungry’
‘We’re at the grocery store to get food. We only have three more aisles to go. We can count them down together. Then we’ll go home and we can eat.’
Children don’t understand ‘soon’; even for adults, ‘soon’ is a relative term. children understand things like ‘three aisles. Two. One. Now we’re going home!’
Children need communication, understanding and teaching. Not beating, intimidating or belittling.
Right after Diddy was born, I was in the car listening to NPR and I heard a child safety educator say, “Stop telling your kids not to talk to strangers. They might need to talk to a stranger one day. Instead, teach them which sorts of strangers are safe. You know who’s safe? A mom with kids. Period. Your kid gets separated from you at the mall? Tell her to flag down the first mom with kids she sees.”
This was fantastic advice. I have shared it with everyone who will listen, ever since.
Last month, I finally got to meet the woman who’d said this brilliant thing, when I had the enormous good fortune of attending a kid’s safety seminar led by Pattie Fitzgerald of Safely Ever After. Safely Ever After offers seminars to adults and children on the subject of “keeping kids safe from child molesters and abuse.”
I didn’t seek Pattie out. I don’t spend every moment of the day worrying that my kids are going to end up in white slavery. But Diddy and Gaga’s preschool offers the material to parents of pre-K students as a preamble to teaching it to the pre-K kids, and Diddy’s a pre-K kid, so I went to hear what Pattie had to say. (And in light of all the Miramonte Elementary madness, I am thrilled I did.)
If it makes you uncomfortable to think about offering this sort of material to a 5 year-old, let me reassure you by saying our school offers an opt-out. But after spending a morning listening to Pattie’s presentation, I can honestly say I would have let her go teach my 3 year-old about “tricky people.” If the boys could understand it, I’d have her come over and talk to them, too.
And they’d like it. Really. I did. Sitting around listening to all the horrible things that could happen to your kids might not sound like a good time — but oddly enough, with Pattie Fitzgerald, it is.
For one thing, Pattie knows her stuff, and I felt confident that her information was accurate and her advice studied and strong. For another, she’s pretty funny — so the material she presented never felt horribly gloom-and-doomy so much as matter-of-fact and manageable.
FOR INSTANCE:
It is unlikely your kid is going to be abused by a weirdo at the park (huge sigh of relief).
That said, if there is a weirdo at the park, he’s not going to fit the “stranger” model — so stop teaching your kid about strangers! He’s going to come up to your kid and introduce himself. Voila! He ain’t a stranger anymore.
Teach your kids about TRICKY PEOPLE, instead. TRICKY PEOPLE are grown-ups who ASK KIDS FOR HELP (no adult needs to ask a kid for help) or TELLS KIDS TO KEEP A SECRET FROM THEIR PARENTS (including, IT’S OKAY TO COME OVER HERE BEHIND THIS TREE WITHOUT ASKING MOM FIRST. Not asking Mom is tantamount to KEEPING A SECRET.)
Teach your kids not to DO ANYTHING, or GO ANYWHERE, with ANY ADULTS AT ALL, unless they can ask for your permission first.
See how I said ANY ADULTS AT ALL? That’s because:
It’s far more likely your kid is going to be abused by someone they have a relationship with, because most cases of abuse follow long periods of grooming — both of the kid and his or her family.
Bad guys groom you and your kids to gauge whether or not you’re paying attention to what they’re doing, and/or to lure you into dropping your guard. Don’t. Kids who bad guys think are flying under their parents’ radars, or kids who seem a little insecure or disconnected from their parents, are the kids who are most at risk.
SO:
Be suspicious of gifts that adults in positions of authority give your kids. There’s no reason your son should be coming back from Bar Mitzvah study with a cool new keychain or baseball hat.
Be suspicious of teachers who tell you your kid is so special they want to offer him more one-on-one time, or special outings. That teacher who says your kid is into Monet, he wants to take him to a museum next weekend? Say thanks, and take your kid to go see the exhibit yourself.
You know that weird adult cousin of yours who’s always out in the yard with the kids, never in the kitchen drinking with the grown-ups? Keep an eye on your kids when he’s around.
Oh, and that soccer coach who keeps offering to babysit for free, so you can get some time to yourself? NO ONE WANTS TO BABYSIT YOUR KIDS JUST TO BE NICE.
And, here’s another good reason to add to the PANTHEON of reasons to teach your children the anatomically correct names for their genitalia:
There isn’t a child molester on earth who’s going to talk to your daughter about her vagina. Really. But if she suddenly starts calling it a cupcake, you can ask her who taught her that.
*
Ultimately, after spending an hour with Pattie, I felt LESS worried, not more. That, to me, is the number one sign of a good book or seminar about parenting — it doesn’t stress you out.
And you know why Pattie Fitzgerald and Safely Ever After won’t stress you out?
Check out Pattie’s site. Read her material, buy her kids book, organize a bunch of like-minded parents to take her seminars. I promise you’ll feel better after — and way safer — when you do.
Letting your children on the internet before they’re at least ten years old is bad parenting tbh, and even after you do let them online you should monitor what they’re doing. I understand “we live in a digital world now” but that doesn’t mean you should throw your children into it from the moment of birth.
I taught 4th grade this past year, and 10-year-olds have access to so much more than I did at their age. My students watched Rick and Morty, Orange is the New Black, It, and other R-rated and inappropriate shows and movies. They played GTA, COD, and other intense, violent, rated M games.
This exposure to adult media impacted how they spoke and interacted with each other. They had difficulty forming healthy friendships. Disagreements escalated quickly and several times I had to stop students from getting in fistfights.
Heck, the year before I taught 1st grade and a 7-YEAR-OLD male student made sexual threats against a female classmate.
So here’s how to keep your kid safe in a “Digital Age”:
PARENTAL CONTROLS. If your child is going to use a computer, whitelist the sites they can use. Make sure the passcode you use to set these restrictions is not easily guessed (don’t use birthdays or other info your kid knows) because kids WILL try to get around restrictions.
MONITOR. Don’t let your kid on the internet for long periods of time without checking in on what they’re doing. Don’t let them use the internet in their room with the door closed. I say this as someone who did get away with stuff I shouldn’t have been doing on the internet when I was about 10-12, because my parents let me sit in the computer room with the door closed and unfettered access all day long. Even the most innocent, well-behaved kid can get into stuff they shouldn’t VERY easily.
COMMUNICATE. Talk to your kids about internet safety and potential risks of internet usage. Talk to them about the sites they’re using and the videos they’re watching. Focus the conversation on keeping them safe so they know they can come to you if they ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable on the internet.
SET THE EXAMPLE. Limit your own internet usage and increase time spent as a family playing games, eating meals without devices, and talking. Kids will follow what they see. If you’re glued to your phone/laptop all day, they’ll want to be as well.
POSITIVE RESOURCES: Find kid-friendly and educational websites to help your kid have positive experiences on the internet. Some examples:
Kiddle.co is a kid-friendly search engine, great for completing research projects for school.
Abcya.com has a lot of fun educational games aligned with common core standards.
Code.org has programs for kids to learn coding and make their own games.
Boys and girls are naturally inclined to different things, nothing wrong with that, but adults make too big of a deal out of gender and put ideas into kids heads that are just dumb. It makes kids who don’t perfectly follow gender roles feel like they’re weird, especially when adults point them out for it, and that’s not right.
ie. Boys shouldn’t cry, boys can’t like pink or purple, girls favorite colors are always pink or purple, boys can’t play with dolls, girls are perfect angels who never fight physically, boys and girls don’t play together, dumb stuff like that
I’ll never forget the time a lady legit scolded me for playing with Legos because they’re “little boys’ toys”
One time a dude in my fourth grade class made fun of me for bringing ninja turtle toys to school. It was weird.
this reminds me of something I’ve experienced
when I was a kid, I was searching through a shop with my dad. I think it was a thrift store? Not sure. Anyway, I saw a red mickey mouse tv and I thought it looked really cool, so I told my dad I wanted it. He said no, and told me that I wanted the pink disney princess one instead. I felt… like my wants didn’t matter? He basically chose what I wanted even though I knew what I really wanted, and because of him I was always into pink things and girly things.
that only lasted for years, of course.
take the gender roles thing to an extreme and you have my up-bringing – could only wear skirts, wasn’t really necessary for me to have a strong education, destined for marriage and having lots of kids, and oh, also, parents have authority over you until you do get married which means you don’t really get opinions or beliefs (unless they’re exactly the same are your parents’). oh and also, wearing pink or purple if you’re a guy is a sin. no, that’s not an exaggeration.
since getting out of all that it’s honestly worrying to me how much soft sexism there still is in the wider church. like… c’mon man I know the fundies have it all wrong but y’all should be Better.
Wide Spread Interests 